First, forget everything you've seen the celebrity chefs do on TV........ you don't need a processor or any exotic ingredients. Once you have the ingredients ready it will take you 5 minutes or so to make salsa that is just as good or better than that made by those cooking gurus. The key ingredient is the tomatoes --you want the brightest, reddest ones around. I've found that generally speaking, cherry tomatoes or plum tomatoes have more taste than the usual super market fare. Whatever kind of onion you use, the salsa will taste great --but white onions are traditional and look the prettiest. We'll start out with the basic salsa and then I'll give you a bunch of variations

3 Bright red medium sized tomatoes

1 Medium sized onion

1 Jalapeno chile

A little bitty salt

Chop the tomatoes and put them in a bowl. Chop 1/2 the onion and add it to the bowl. Look at it. Do you like the color? Mexicans generally do not use much onion. I like a little more onion myself. If the salsa is pleasing to the eye, great. If it looks like it needs a little more white --chop the rest of the onion and add it to the bowl. Now chop the chile very fine and add it to the bowl. Add some salt to taste and stir. If the tomatoes aren't very juicy you might want to add a little water. There, you've made Salsa Mexicana and nobody in the whole world can make it any better than you can.

Squeeze a lime or lemon in it. If it's the time of year when lemons and limes aren't very juicy --soak them in hot water for 10 or 15 minutes you'll get 2 or 3 times the juice.

Add a clove or two of chopped garlic. If you use garlic I think you might need to add some water. Not much, just enough to make the salsa real juicy. The liquid will help to spread the garlic flavor throughout the salsa instead of just having little bits of garlic bopping around.

Add some chopped cilantro. If you are going to use cilantro in the salsa - which I highly recommend - add it at the very last minute because cilantro is much better when it is freshly chopped. Also, if you are planning to have salsa left over try to only add the cilantro to what you are going to use right away. The cilantro doesn't age well in the refrigerator.

Chop a firm avocado into the salsa. You don't want a mushy avocado, you want an avocado that is firm enough to chop and keep its shape in the salsa.

Add all of the above. I think that this is the very finest version of Salsa Mexicana around. Your friends will be amazed at your culinary expertise.

Oooops, I almost forgot. Please don't use a blender or food processor on this salsa. It realy screws up the texture.

Add some oregano. Please use whole or fresh oregano - the ground oregano just ain't the same. Oregano is a very widly used herb in Mexico.

Instead of chopping the onion slice it into thin rings and cut the tomato into larger pieces (about the size of a marble). Use some vinegar and a little oil instead of lime juice and add about a teaspoon of sugar and some oregano and cilantro or parsley.

The salsa's been in the fridge for a couple of days and you're afraid it's gonna turn into a science experiment ..... Oh, what to do, what to do? Put it in a pan and cover it with water and simmer it for 10 or 15 minutes. Let it cool and put it through the blender. Let it cool and bingo! You've just made a cooked tomato salsa. Way better than the commercial taco salsas. Garnish it with some fresh cilantro and put a bowl on the table. It's also great as an enchilada sauce or for huevos rancheros. Or you can use that old salsa to make Huevos Mexicanas (Mexican Eggs). Just add a table spoon or two to some beaten eggs and scramble them like you normally would. If you do this be sure to not add to much of the liquid to the eggs - makes them not want to set up right. Or you could take the old salsa and add it to some mashed (not blended) avocado for some great Guacamole.

If you add some sour cream and some chicken or vegetable stock or, for that matter tomato juice or even V8 to fresh salsa mexicana and serve it in a bowl garnished with a couple of avocado slices and a sprig of cilantro you have some world class Gazpacho (a cold Spanish soup). An absolutely wonderful meal starter in the summer. And it sounds so exotic..... GAZPACHO. Or you can just add sour cream to the old salsa and use it as a dip for tortilla chips or fresh vegetables -- just garnish it with sliced radishes or chopped cilantro, parsley or green onion.

Virtually every "food expert" will tell you that you have to use this salsa immediately - that it won't last in the refrigerator. Oh, bullshit! The next time you're in the super market take a look in the deli case. Row after row of fresh salsas (no preservatives) with pull dates of a week or ten days. I guarantee you that if commercial salsas will last in the fridge, so will yours. Is the salsa better when it's real fresh? You bet, but day old or two day old homemade salsa is still way better than anything you are gonna get at the market. Remember, there's power in numbers. So send this to a friend or if you don't like it send it to an enemy and when there are enough of us we can destroy the whole canned salsa industry - discredit all those celebrity chefs and move on to bigger and better things. Then maybe we can do something about the systematic dismantling of the government and its sale to the highest bidder or maybe we can start a cult. I understand there's big bucks in cults. Yeah, that's it, a salsa cult.